Dear God … we need to talkMar 1 2011
I learned a while ago that you have a rocking sense of humor. Something I’m kind of excited to talk with you about when the time comes. You are so big on the accountability thing that I know you will appreciate where I’m coming from. Yes, we need to talk.
I’ve been meaning to ask you about this aging business; pretty funny stuff. I know there is humor in cellulite; I just haven’t found it yet. It accumulates on my thighs in preparation for the day that I may be starving and need that extra fat for survival. Thanks for nothing. Speaking of accountability; I’m thinking you owe me a pretty penny to compensate me for the creams, gels and treatments to get rid of it. I kept the receipts … and the cellulite.
Now, let’s talk freckles. Well, they were freckles, now they are large brown spots suspiciously resembling liver spots. And, God, you spread them all across my nose and cheeks. Hilarious! Of course, they match the ones on my arms, legs and hands. Just so you know ahead of time, I had multiple laser treatments to keep these cute little ‘freckles’ at bay. Yup, you guessed it; I’ve kept all the invoices.
I really don’t mean to complain, but what’s with the thinning hair thing? I mean, seriously?! It’s not enough that my skin lacks its original glow, my jowls are a bit saggy and my neck has crinkled like a potato chip, but my hair?! I spend about 70 bucks a month on special fiber building, body enhancing, moisture inducing shampoos and conditioners just to keep what I have left. My pony-tail was thick and bouncy. Now it’s the size of a pencil eraser and blows in the wind like cotton. Pretty funny. Um, I lost a few of the receipts on some of these purchases but I’m hoping you will be okay with the honor system.
And thank you God, for helping stabilize my body so that I don’t blow over in the wind. Very strategic planning to make us bottom heavy and giving us that extra flesh that hangs and waves from our upper arms, enabling us to take flight should we need to. What’s not sexy about that? By the way, I’ve also kept the gym membership receipts and hope I at least get points for trying.
So, I’m thinking that you owe me roughly $41,926.14. Since heaven probably doesn’t have paper money, can I have the payout in travel points, or perhaps a year in Tahiti with a guy named Pablo? I’m willing to call it even if I can just have my old body back.
We’ll talk more when we meet face to face. We’ve really got to work on this world peace thing. I hope you recognize me. I’ll be the freckled, scraggly haired, delightfully chubby, crinkled brunette with attitude. I am your biggest fan.