Dear God … we need to talk
Mar 1 2011
Dear God … we need t
o talk
I learned a while ago that you have a rocking sense of humor. Something I’m kind of excited to talk with you about when the time comes. You are so big on the accountability thing that I know you will appreciate where I’m coming from. Yes, we need to talk.
I’ve been meaning to ask you about this aging business; pretty funny stuff. I know there is humor in cellulite; I just haven’t found it yet. It accumulates on my thighs in preparation for the day that I may be starving and need that extra fat for survival. Thanks for nothing. Speaking of accountability; I’m thinking you owe me a pretty penny to compensate me for the creams, gels and treatments to get rid of it. I kept the receipts … and the cellulite.
Now, let’s talk freckles. Well, they were freckles, now they are large brown spots suspiciously resembling liver spots. And, God, you spread them all across my nose and cheeks. Hilarious! Of course, they match the ones on my arms, legs and hands. Just so you know ahead of time, I had multiple laser treatments to keep these cute little ‘freckles’ at bay. Yup, you guessed it; I’ve kept all the invoices.
I really don’t mean to complain, but what’s with the thinning hair thing? I mean, seriously?! It’s not enough that my skin lacks its original glow, my jowls are a bit saggy and my neck has crinkled like a potato chip, but my hair?! I spend about 70 bucks a month on special fiber building, body enhancing, moisture inducing shampoos and conditioners just to keep what I have left. My pony-tail was thick and bouncy. Now it’s the size of a pencil eraser and blows in the wind like cotton. Pretty funny. Um, I lost a few of the receipts on some of these purchases but I’m hoping you will be okay with the honor system.
And thank you God, for helping stabilize my body so that I don’t blow over in the wind. Very strategic planning to make us bottom heavy and giving us that extra flesh that hangs and waves from our upper arms, enabling us to take flight should we need to. What’s not sexy about that? By the way, I’ve also kept the gym membership receipts and hope I at least get points for trying.
So, I’m thinking that you owe me roughly $41,926.14. Since heaven probably doesn’t have paper money, can I have the payout in travel points, or perhaps a year in Tahiti with a guy named Pablo? I’m willing to call it even if I can just have my old body back.
We’ll talk more when we meet face to face. We’ve really got to work on this world peace thing. I hope you recognize me. I’ll be the freckled, scraggly haired, delightfully chubby, crinkled brunette with attitude. I am your biggest fan.
Love,
Tammy
50 Responses to Dear God … we need to talk
Love, love, love you!! Are you sure you are not writing about me??? I’m telling you – you ought to go out there and talk about this – and I mean on stage!! Heck, I’ll drive you – I’m good to represent!! I’m just sayin…… xoxoxox
Well, thank you, Vicki. Yes! You can represent me anytime!
Ahh, so true. Reminds me of Menopause the Musical. So much truth here, must find something Special about each day.
You have such a gift to describe what happens in life. I love reading your thoughts.
Miss Tammy, I love you!! You hit growing old right on the mark! Of course, you haven’t said one thing about the men…they’re not looking any younger either! We have to look at life with a sense of humor. tk
Thanks, TK…..I love you too!
Oh you never fail to make me laugh. I’d also like to talk about WHY I still break out like a prepubescent teen! Or gravity..yes, what’s the deal with that?
Don’t forget those pesky chin hairs (aka “witch whiskers”)! hahaha!!
OMG….such a hoot ! I guess it’s only funny cause we can all relate !! You are the best at putting the vision right in my brain !
Love you…..x
Pam, not sure how I missed that one. Clearly we will need to revisit this subject on another day!
Hi Tammy – this was an amazing post!!! Just love your humor!!! So thankful to Diva Cafe which is where I learnt about your blog. LOve it
You make me smile knowing that we are all in the same boat trying to survive the aging process with humor and class. I need someone to throw me a lifesaver and hopefully it will fit around my middle.
ROFLMAO. I think I shed a few tears there. Even read it to my husband who is also lamenting the loss of his hair so he totally got it. Me, as a beauty addict clinging to the last of my thirties (yeah right…) I totally get that I am about to write my OWN letter…. Yep, you guessed it, the arms are getting a bit wing link!!!
Have to confess…I had to ask around as to what ROFLMAO meant. Awesome, glad I was able to do it for ya. Thanks for the post!
Hey Tammy, Susan forwarded your Blog link to me – loved it and posted a comment on my Facebook wall. I may not be single but I sure am aging! I keep wondering where the years have gone and how I got here!
Tammy
You are too funny! Love reading your blog…it’s soooo true. This age thing sucks!!!!
Hi Janine, I’m thrilled you are enjoying the read. I enjoy knowing you are on the other side of the computer!
Thank you Tammy for a hilarious way to look at the things we hate about growing old – now we can just give a chortle when we look at our cellulite, flapping arm fat, liver spots, thinning hair(and skin too!) and all the other things that we notice as we grow older!!! I needed a really good laugh when I got this!! Thanks!!! You really should take it on the road – ever heard of Chonda Pierce??? I hadn’t until some friends of mine sent me a link to her on Youtube – she’s hilarious!!! This reminds me of her!
Melanie, If Chonda is hilarious and I remind you of her…I’m flattered! Maybe one day I WILL take it on the road…the back road! Thanks for posting.
This is hilarious and way too true! I have entered my 40′s and I am having problems finding my lips-I think every day they are disappearing little by little….
Thanks for making me laugh!
Lisa, you’re too funny. That’s why God invented lip liner! Thanks for posting.
This is a hoot for sure. ! And about God’s sense of humor ? I got my Dad’s hair- NONE !
Hi Jim,
Great to have a guy chime in! You’re right, of course, God doesn’t play favorites…at least I don’t think she does. Thanks for reading and come back!
I am ROTFLMBAO! Who’d a thunk of keeping all the receipts and presenting them to the almighty when the time comes. I think it would make a good visual.
Colleen, A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. It all counts, right? Thanks for the post!
I LOVE your sense of humor! Very refreshing!
Thanks, Gloria. Funny thing happened on my way to 50; I learned that a sense of humor was worth more to me than money in the bank. Well, okay, maybe not that much…but a lot! Hope you are following!
Tammy, it’s all looking great. Keep up the brilliant posts!
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Tammy, I swear girlfriend, you looked into my life and described it to a tee. You, my new friend, are able to put into words just what I have been feeling and saying for many years. I look forward to hearing so much more from you in the future. You are a trip, but one that is most enjoyable, keep up the good work.
Hi Linda,
Us broads need to stick together. A sense of humor goes a long way in the aging process, don’t ya think? So happy you are following! Thanks for the post.
Love all your writings….fun to read…will continue to follow and read the book.
Hi Betty, Thanks for joining me here, so glad to have you! There is always something fun to talk about.
Nice subject great exececution on your site
Well, thank you very much Drum and Bass. Appreciate the kind words. Thanks for the post!
lol. that is a cool idea!
haha. this is a cool idea!
Insightful writing=) I will need a bit of time to examine the story.
Nice blogging mate. Keep it coming nice and fresh.
Chengelpetrealestate, I have been called many things…but having my writing called “nice and fresh” is tops. Thanks for being here.
What a lovely blog site. I will undoubtedly be back. Please preserve writing!
Thank you Chennai, I shall undoubtedly await your return. Thank you for the post.
I’m new to your blog and i really appreciate the nice posts and great layout.:.;,’
I enjoy the efforts you have put in this, thanks for all the great blog posts.
Thank you! And thank you for being here.
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